UPDATE!

Don’t worry fans, Simon still don’t fit.  It’s just been a busy few months.

I don’t think the yoga is working, buddy. 😦

Aaaaand he’s holding the turkey leg.  All you needed to know.

Simon Don’t Fit: In Shoes

They say you’re supposed to walk a mile in someone’s shoes before you really know them.  By this logic, Simon has absorbed someone’s soul.

Simon Barely Fit: On an Armchair

Yes, this footage is shadowy and grainy like we captured Bigfoot, but is that really so far from the truth?  Look at this guy.  He is so fat, he’s sitting up like a person.  He just needs a cigarette and a bottle of beer to be complete.

Simon Don’t Fit: In a Shoebox

If Simon were a pair of shoes, I don’t think I would buy them.  They would be overly soft, unbearably heavy, and tiny gray hairs would be stuck to my feet, giving others the impression that I am a hobbit.  It would be confusing, since hobbits don’t need shoes.

Bonus video footage of a cat box fight!  Who will win???

Spoiler alert: the box.

Simon Don’t Fit: On a Shirt

If we’ve learned anything from America’s Next Top Model, it’s that models carry the heaviest burden.  They are expected to look perfect, even with bad weaves and harassment from millionaire egomaniacs.

This digital age doesn’t make it any easier.  Photoshop has distorted our perception of beauty to an alarming degree.  Why don’t the women in Olay ads ever possess belly buttons?

Though he has been airbrushed into oblivion, they still couldn’t squeeze his plus-sized (god forbid, queen-sized) self on this shirt.

Simon Don’t Fit: On Shakespeare

This is the complete works of William Shakespeare. One hardcover mother, not some pansy-ass paperback. This monster has every single play with extensive criticism detailing each one.  I had to carry it around for a semester, I felt the weight.

It holds no measure for measure, however, to Simon’s. This ginormous hamlet can’t read, but if osmosis were a cat learning method, he would be Stephen Greenblatt. For now, he is just the Professor of Sitting on Bill Shakespeare’s face.*

*I couldn’t find a way to squeeze in As You Like It or Timon of Athens. Submit your own bad cat Shakespeare puns!

Simon Don’t Fit: On a Typewriter

Writing is tough.  You have to come up with compelling characters, an exciting plot, and some way of shoehorning meaning into a piece.  The thing that is the most grueling, however, is when you have the inability to type simple sentences.  “John and Mary waved goodbye to the spacecraft, weeping.” becomes “JOIajiornj and k mfj erijefwvjn rejknegrjkn. njagrejkgajkln” when the weight of fifteen heavy pounds (and the world) rests on your chubby paw.

Simon Don’t Fit: Under a Table

Seriously.  That is a desk.  It used to fit a desktop, a printer, and enough room to do my homework.  It’s not as though he had to fit on something, a shadow falling over him would have sufficed.

But no.  Even if you moved him over a few inches, that junk would still be hanging out.

Simon Don’t Fit: In

That’s right.  Even with this first post, we are already getting deep.

This is an old photo (longtime viewers will notice this lack of a fourth chin), but it still showcases the psychological troubles of such a fat cat.  The human obesity crisis is nothing compared to obesekitty (sorry).  Teased.  Ridiculed.  Tortured by those half the size of one of his turkey legs.  Simon has 99 problems, and this bitch is one.